Tag Archives: assertive communication

Just A Sandwich.

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The other day I was at a weekend training workshop for Complex Integration of Multiple Brain Systems or more simply put, CIMBS, and I had an interesting interaction with another counsellor that had nothing to do with the training we were doing.

At this workshop we were provided with a lunch and this lunch consisted of soup and sandwiches – but not just any sandwiches, they were these little gourmet mini sandwiches and they were delightful.  Anyway, shortly after lunch, when we were back in session, someone on the catering team came in and took the half-full platter of little delightful sandwiches away. Now I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little disappointed because I had been looking forward to having another mini turkey sandwich on fresh cranberry sourdough bread for my afternoon break snack.

So, when we did break for coffee and a snack a short while later, I approached one of the nearby catering staff and politely asked him if it was possible to bring back those tasty little sandwiches so we could enjoy them once again during our break. He said they were downstairs in the fridge, but he’d be happy to go down and get them and bring them back up. I thanked him graciously, and awaited their arrival.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but another counsellor at the workshop had overheard the whole conversation I’d had with the caterer. A short while later I ended up in a conversation with this woman and she said to me: “I really admired how you were able to ask that caterer to bring back the sandwiches. It was something you wanted and you weren’t afraid to ask for it. I wish I could do that.” At first I was a little surprised by her comment and didn’t really know what to say until later (I hate it when that happens!) Of course she could have done that! What’s there to be afraid of? As long as we’re okay with hearing no, because literally, that is the absolute worst thing that could happen. We can ask, and they can say yes, or they can say no. That’s it.

It’s pretty simple but we often make things so unnecessarily complicated.

Standing Tall

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I talk a lot about  assertiveness, because, let’s be honest, I’m a big fan, and unfortunately, many of us don’t put it to its good use as often as we could!

In a nut shell, assertiveness is our ability to express our thoughts and feelings and assert our rights while also acknowledging and respecting the rights of others. It’s about being appropriately open, honest, and clear about where WE are at. People often confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness, which is when we express our feelings, preferences, and needs in a way that is disrespectful, inappropriate, critical, or unfairly blaming of others. Thus, because treating others like this often leaves many of us feeling guilty and disappointed in ourselves we chose to avoid the whole thing and be passive instead. Passivity is just that: passively keeping our mouths shut and thereby not expressing our own feelings, needs, preferences, and rights. This is no good either and usually results in feeling like a victim, feeling anxious and stressed out, and feeling secretly hostile and bitter because our needs are not being met… because we don’t express them.

Let’s picture this with an illustration. You are standing having a conversation with a friend and then something comes to a head in what you are talking about. You have an opinion or preference in the situation so now you have 3 choices on what you can do. You can either say nothing, and metaphorically lay down on your back and let the other person dominate, and walk all over you to get what they want (that’s being passive); you can forcefully lurch toward them, blame and criticize them, call them down, and squash them to get what you want (that’s being aggressive); or you can stand firmly upright and let them know you’ve heard what they’ve said, and are also going to share your thoughts and feelings on the matter (that’s being assertive).

For most of us, assertiveness is an art to be learned and does not always come naturally. It can take practice, but it’s worth it since people who work at and get good at being assertive have closer and more meaningful relationships, and are also happier and less stressed out. A pretty good trade off.

Again, I’ll reiterate, assertiveness is the ability to express one’s feelings, thoughts, preferences while also acknowledging and respecting the feelings and rights of others.

Here’s one example of a simple little formula to try out:

When you__________ I feel______________.

Give that one a whirl.