Tag Archives: CBT

When a Prickle’s Just a Prickle.

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I’ve talked about this before, but I’m going to talk about it some more. One of the most effective antidotes to a crummy mood is to intentionally turn ones thoughts of woe into thoughts of gratitude. We call this developing an “Attitude of Gratitude.” How catchy.

Anyway, I realize I make it sound so simple. That said it is usually much easier to reflect on that which we are grateful for when we are feeling good, and not too too difficult when we are feeling mildly blue. However, NOT so easy when we are feeling all together down in the dumps.

Often times, one of the worst things about feeling our worst is getting upset with ourselves for feeling upset. I’m not sure what use this even serves other than making us feel worse than we already feel. I, for one, am a big proponent of acceptance. Instead of saying “Oh what’s wrong with me, I just shouldn’t feel this way, I’m such a weak, pathetic, loser!” Or whatever words of choice you have for yourself in these unfortunate situations. Sometimes what’s actually useful to hear from ourselves when we are feeling less-than-our-best is something to the effect of “Well, I feel sad, mad, bad, or angry, and that’s just where I’m at right now. That’s how I’m feeling, and as a feeling being I have a right to feel less than sparkles and sunshine from time to time.” I think it’s really important that we just let ourselves feel how we’re feeling sometimes. We need to learn to be at least half as compassionate and understanding with ourselves as we often are with our dear friends. Those feelings sometimes need to have their say and stay for a little while before doing everything possible to try and make them disappear.

Of course, no one wants to stay feeling terrible forever, and most of us won’t. You will find, though, that if you give those dark and miserable feelings a little time to rear their thorny heads, more often than not they will soon begin to wane. Sometimes they just want a little attention in it all, and once they feel like they won’t be shooed out at the slightest chirp, their protest will likely not last too long. They will also be less likely to scream and yell in order to be heard. Then it might start to feel a little easier to focus on a couple things to be grateful for. But if not, that’s okay too!

What’s Floating the Boat?

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A short time ago I was working with a client who was having a hard time feeling good about himself. In one of our more recent sessions, he was feeling particularly depressed because he had been telling himself over and over again how lazy he was, and the more he heard this message the less able he was to get up and get things done, thus confirming precisely what was being said.

In our session we decided to devote some time to looking closely at just how lazy he actually was, because in fact, he seemed quite convinced. We began to understand that he feels particularly lazy when the voice telling him so is the least merciful. He also said that he usually feels lazy when he has a hard time motivating himself to do things he really doesn’t enjoy doing. He went on to say that he believes he is the most lazy when he feels compelled to stop engaging in activities he finds boring, and has a really hard time getting excited about completing mundane routine tasks. Hmmm… interesting…

I asked him if there were ever times when he felt the opposite of lazy (which we decided was to feel motivated and productive), and he said that of course he did! He felt really motivated to do things he was interested in, and had a hard time stopping a task when he felt engaged with it and connected to it. He also said that he is particularly motivated and productive when he has a clear goal that he is working toward and can see a benefit in reaching that goal.

After spending a good amount of time clarifying what made him feel lazy and what made him feel motivated and productive, we came up with the following summary:

When Peter* is bored and not enjoying himself he has a hard time being motivated and productive. When Peter is engaged, interested, and working toward a goal, there is very little that can get in his way.

“Oh, I guess when we put it like that, maybe I’m not so lazy, and maybe I even seem pretty normal, don’t I?”

We’ll call that a rhetorical question.

So the message. It was all just about the message. This is a pretty dangerous habit that most of us have. When we tell ourselves mean, nasty, name-cally, insults and put downs without ever actually taking a moment to see where the truth lies and what’s actually an accurate and rational perspective, we will start to believe exactly what we hear. And all in the name of needless suffering.

*Real names and all identifying information have been removed to protect client’s anonymity.

 

A Really Bad Day: How To Guide

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1. Think about what others have that you don’t

2. Criticize yourself in whatever you do

3. Criticize others in whatever they do

4. Call yourself down for any and every mistake you make… or have ever made.

5. Worry about things that are out of your control

6. Make yourself anxious about problems you don’t have

7. Think others will reject and shun you if you ever do anything wrong

8. Believe you are worthless and insignificant unless you are perfect

9. Tell yourself that “no” means everyone is against you

In A Jiff.

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So I’ve recently had it put right there in my face, and it took me more time than it should have to see it happen. There it was: one of the quickest and easiest ways to instantly boost our mood.

I was in session with a client recently who was obviously feeling quite low. Right away I asked her what was going on and she said she wasn’t sure, and so we spent the next little while talking about why she may have been feeling how she was feeling. We weren’t having much luck and then in the middle of our conversation she mentioned how hot my office was and how this was making her feel really tired. I agreed that I too was starting to feeling and little heavy lidded with the heat (and, admittedly, my after lunch sugar low). Our session went on and just a few minutes later, as she continued talking about the things that were going on in her life, I noticed that somehow she had made a transition into recounting some things she’d found funny and enjoyable during her week and her whole demeanour had changed so dramatically. It was actually quite remarkable

I couldn’t help but ask her what had just happened? A few minutes ago she’d been feeling sad, down, and depressed and now she was animated, smiling, and even had a little sparkle in her eye. She replied by telling me that trying to figure out why she was low was not helping either of us, so since we were both feeling a little tired she thought it might be more useful talking about some things that were more entertaining which was likely to help us both feel more alert and engaged.

Now obviously, as a therapist I believe in the healing power of talking through and processing our challenging and upsetting thoughts, experiences, and emotions but sometimes just choosing to focus on what’s going well in our lives can cause an instant 180 in how we’re feeling in the moment. It’s actually quite remarkable.

Try a little experiment. Next time you’re feeling blue, call up a friend and just start telling them about a thing or 2, big or small, in your week that have been fun, or enjoyable, or interesting, or engaging, or curious…. just to see what happens.