Monthly Archives: April 2012

Zero Tolerance.

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Further to last week’s discussion, I’ve been learning more about that which seems to be contributing to the current state of our overly anxious society: and that is our ability (or lack thereof) to tolerate frustration. What I mean is, some things, sometimes, are not within our control, and we often aren’t able to manage every little detail, and things don’t always go exactly our way. Many of us have learned to lose our patience when things do not go as planned and thus often experience some greater or lesser (but often greater) degree of distress, worry, or discouragement when we encounter detours or roadblocks in life. Some of us even claim defeat and give up all together at the smallest setback or obstacle. Why is that? Why do we often get so glued to things going our way and become all wound up when they don’t? So what happens if things don’t go exactly how we expected? Who said they had to? And who decided that we ought to get all bent out of shape if they don’t? I think it’s sometimes good for us to sit in a bit of frustration if it will help us learn to tolerate it with a little more grace.

I have a feeling that one can’t help but enjoy life more when less time is spent fretting over that which cannot be controlled or changed, and more time is spent regrouping, refocusing, and ultimately rolling with that darn, but inevitable, resistance.

Perspiring Unnecessarily.

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But what if Julia? What if???  I hear that a lot. In fact, I sometimes find myself saying that a lot.

Does it seem like as a culture we have become a lot more anxious as individuals in the last decade or two? I don’t have any concrete stats or studies handy right now, but I have heard that we, in general, experience a higher degree of anxiety than generations before. I equate some of this to the paradox of choice: meaning that now, more than ever before, we have SO many choices in almost everything, almost all of the time, that it becomes almost paralyzing. From what type of milk we’d like frothed in an attempt to feed our $5.00 per cup latté addiction, to how many television screen inches we are convinced will satisfy our deepest longings, to choosing the perfect hue of eggshell white we are to paint our drab and dreary living room walls (by the way, did you know there are 137 different whites in the Benjamin Moore paint colour palate? Really? 137??).

With endless amounts of choices presented to us, one might think that there is, in fact, a perfect choice, however one might not be exactly sure what that perfect choice is, or what type of perfection in which arena one might be trying to achieve. Thus, sets in the anxiety. If there is a perfect way to dress, decorate, consume, interact, entertain, relate, and socialize then what happens if we somehow fall short of this seemingly subjective mark? And if the mark is subjective, who’s subjective is it, and how do we know if we’ve achieved the nebulous right and perfect that we seek?’ Perhaps I’m getting a little too philosophical… I digress.

My point is that when we spend our moments fretting, worrying, and in perpetual unease about the what if, our present becomes filled with fear for the future in some way, shape, or form, leaving little room to actually live our lives in any kind of meaningful way… right now. In the present. OUR present. Most things are out of our total control, and it seems like many of us spend a lot of time trying to control that which we ultimately can’t, thus leaving ourselves to fight a losing battle. I’m not saying it’s bad to prepare for the future, or to use caution, logic, and good sense in our daily lives, but there is such thing as too much. Some times we need to just let go and have a little faith that ultimately the vast majority of our choices, decisions, and dilemmas are not a matter of life and death – and really don’t matter all that much. And thank goodness for that. In the grand scheme of things most of it is just small stuff anyway. So I ask the question: is it really worth all of that sweat?

The Issue with White Pants

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Have you ever noticed that the more stuff people have, the more locks, gates, security systems, passwords, and other protection devices they have as well? Most of us are already aware that there is a direct link between materialism and depression for many reasons. One of these reasons being that generally the more we have, the more the more we are responsible for protecting that which we have, leading to more stress, more time spent managing our possessions, and less time for the things that really matter.  Because we live in the West, relatively speaking, the vast majority of us have A LOT. Not to say that all of us who have a lot are necessarily protective and possessive with our belongings, but I don’t think it would be too far off to say that none of us likes to have our stuff damaged by a careless borrowee, accidently lost, or not-so-accidently stolen. So this then would indicate that there is some degree of time, energy, and effort… not to mention concern and worry, that goes into possession ownership. How much time do we want to be spending stressing about and managing the state of our goods? And if we are being distracted in this way, how much of this takes us away from being involved in things that are truly meaningful and important? At what point do we cross that line into becoming possessed by our possessions? And we might even ask ourselves, why do we let it happen?

Now it’s not always so easy in the current state of our society to stay grounded in and focused on the things that are truly meaningful and important, and thus keeping ourselves from getting caught up in the ultimately isolating chaos. Regular little self-reminders and reality checks are often essential if we hope to keep the main things the main things.

Just A Little More.

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How much is enough? Here I’m talking about Money. Do we secretly believe that once we finally have that certain amount we will no doubt become the happy people we’ve always wanted to be? Whether conscious or not, many of us think that once I have just a little more I will be happy. But the sobering part in all of this is that the just right amount isn’t actually achievable. So what does all this mean? Surely if I make or acquire X amount of dollars a year/month/day I will be satisfied and I will finally be happy in the truest sense… well… not so much. Interestingly enough studies have been done which show that even the wealthiest people in the world believe that just a little more will do the trick (the trick being that financial position whereby one feels totally satisfied and content). Can you believe it? I’m talking multi, multi millionaires think like this too!

If we find ourselves holding out on our happiness until we reach some personal financial mark in life, I’m sad to say that day will not come. Again, to clarify, I’m not saying that having financial goals is a bad thing, in fact I’m a big proponent of most types of goal setting. I am saying, however, that reaching those financial goals is not the secret to happiness – no matter WHAT marketing, media, and society tell us.

To drive this point home, recent studies by Dr. Richard Ryan and Dr. Tim Kasser, professors of psychology at the University of Rochester and Knox College respectively, suggest that people who focus primarily on the acquisition of wealth (in the hopes it will bring them happiness) tend to experience a high degree of anxiety and depression, a lower sense of well-being, and greater behavioural and physical problems than your average Joe. That seems a bit counter-productive don’t you think?

Perhaps this is not the first time you’ve heard this, nor is it the first time I’ve written something to this effect. But I think all of us need little reminders from time to time. It’s SO easy to get caught up in the deception.

Who Said This Would Be Easy?

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Believe it or not we can often actually change our emotions by choosing to engage in some sort of behaviour or activity that is the opposite of how we are feeling. If you’re feeling up to the challenge, try a little experiment.

 Next time…

Next time you are AFRAID, do whatever it is that you’re afraid of, with gusto (and within reason, of course).

Next time you feel ASHAMED, continue doing the thing that makes you feel ashamed over and over again… and in public. You might be imagining that if you do this you will likely die of humility, but last time I checked, that rarely happens.

Next time you feel DOWN or DEPRESSED, do something active (like a run, a walk, a bike ride, a swim) or do something that you know you’re good at. It’s amazing how creating even a small opportunity for our own success can feel really good.

Next time you feel ANGRY, walk away from the anger inducing situation, or even try being a little nice… it’s pretty hard to be unkind to someone who is showing us grace and compassion in an emotionally charged situation.

As simple as this all sound, when we find ourselves in the heat of the fire we will likely NOT feel like going through with any of the above experiments. But if we’re able to get ourselves past thinking that we always have to do exactly what we feel like doing we might actually start to feel… dare I say it… happy.