Monthly Archives: February 2012

If Only…

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According to research, the life circumstances in which we find ourselves; meaning that whether we live in a mansion or a trailer, on the sunny southern west coast or the bitterly cold prairies, our degree of beauty or plainness, our fitness level or body mass index, or whether we are married or single makes up only about 10% of our sense of well-being and happiness. In theory, then, this means that we can spend the better part of our adult life scrimping, saving, and stressing over every dime spent in order to one day afford our dream home with an ocean view which we believe will make us so much more happy in life, when it actuality it really won’t.

The bad news is that the most glorious pair of black patent stilettos, the perfect breezy summer party dress, a wrinkle free forehead, an ideal waist-to-hip ratio, or the newest iphone, signed hockey jersey, biggest television screen, or fastest BMW will not actually make us noticeably happier. So if an increase in happiness level is what we seek by the acquisition of such things, our efforts are relatively futile. The good news is that the most glorious pair of black patent stilettos, the perfect breezy summer party dress, a wrinkle free forehead, an ideal waist-to-hip ratio, or the newest iphone, signed hockey jersey, biggest television screen, or fastest BMW will not actually make us noticeably happier. So if we lack the means to acquire such things without then being obligated to pay for them for the next 35 years, all is not lost for we will be no more miserable in their absence.

When found reflecting on our lives and the circumstances in which we find ourselves many of us are often apt to use the phrase if only [insert your hearts desire here] then I would be [insert your most desired emotional outcome here]… Well, as it turns out research shows us that our if only phrase is almost always destined to end with: I will feel pretty much exact same as I do now in a few short days, hours, or even minutes.

I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but I find this information incredibly liberating.

A Little Bit Louder Now.

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Yesterday morning while on my way into the church I typically attend on Sunday mornings there stood a small gathering of protestors. Now perhaps I’ve become a bit of a jaded city girl after several years of being asked for my money, my time, or my interest by all kinds of people I pass on the street because I didn’t even look twice at this small gathering of people nor did I notice just what they were protesting. It wasn’t until the pastor brought it up during the service that I was informed that they were taking a public stand against religion. Hmm. Well okay. I still didn’t really give it too much thought. There are plenty of people out there who both for and against religions of all kinds.

After church while standing outside waiting for some friends, however, I noticed that there were some church goers in heated debates with the protesters, and it wasn’t long before they were all yelling at each other. I know it shouldn’t have struck me as odd, people yell to make their point and have their voice heard all the time, but it did… maybe because it was just outside of a church? I don’t know. I suppose we spiritual folk yell too.

Research shows that the more forcibly someone else pushes their argument or rightness on us, the stronger we cling to our own originally held beliefs and convictions. Perhaps a little counter intuitive for those who think that the harder we push or the louder we yell the more convincing we will be. If we think about it though, when was the last time you were in a heated debate with someone who was trying to forcibly convince you of their side and you all of a sudden stopped and said in all sincerity: “You know what, you’re right. And I’ve been totally wrong all this time – thank you so much for enlightening me!” I’m pretty sure that doesn’t happen all that often, so I’m wondering why many of us still think that we can force our beliefs/opinions/views onto others? …If only they could just see how right we were??!!

I do have to hand it to those protesters though. It takes a lot of courage to go out in public and take a stand for what you think others should or should not believe in.

Leave It To The Pros.

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When we were children I think it’s safe to say that most of us pretended to be, or wished we were superheroes some of the time… or maybe all of the time. It was fun! Fun to run around the backyard donning a flowing cape (aka floral pillowcase) and a pair of underwear over our stretchy pants (aka long underwear)… fun to speak with authority in a booming voice over our younger siblings, cabbage patch dolls, or G.I. Joes. Fun to take on the world and save the innocent from crime, injustice, and bad guys.

Inappropriate as it may be, however, some of us have taken our Super Hero complexes with us into adulthood. We often find ourselves thinking and believing that we must demonstrate how strong, tough, powerful, or bulletproof we are by facing and attempting to overcome our struggles alone. What’s this need to think of ourselves as being bigger, better, stronger if we can go at it all on our own? No matter the struggle – drug  addiction, alcohol abuse, depressed feelings, intense anxiety, disordered eating, feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or burnt out – whatever it may be, why do many of us hold the belief somewhere in our psyche that if we face and conquer our struggles all on our own then we… then we what?? Win? Win what? Maybe the opportunity to struggle a lot longer and a lot harder than if we’d sought out or asked for help, support, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, or a group to be connected to.

I’m going to be as bold as to say that rarely is it all that advisable or even beneficial to attempt to overcome our struggles alone. Why would we? I vote that we use our courage to allow others to help and support us as we brave through our challenges and leave the superheroing stuff to the pros.

Where to Pointe.

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Often times when we feel angry toward another it is because they are not meeting our expectations in some way shape or form. Many of us are really well versed in the finger pointing name game and are brilliant users of the word “you”. You did this, or you did that, or you are to blame, or you are being mean, ungrateful, hurtful, etcetera, etcetera. The tougher part to bring to light in all of this is that there would be no you if there wasn’t also first an I.

I am hurt, angry, frustrated, upset because you did not meant my expectations. I expected you to be kind to me, treat me fairly, be considerate toward me, and acknowledge my feelings, and meet my needs in some way shape or form. Now of course having expectations from others to greater and lesser degrees is not unreasonable, in fact in close relationships it is definitely necessary. However I do not have to fall at the mercy of how you decide to treat, relate, respond to me.

I have choices. I always have choices.

I can:

Chose to express to you how I am feeling and ask if you would be willing to work together with me to make changes that will have a positive impact on our relationship.

Chose to accept how you treat me and then change my expectations for what I want from you, or from our relationship.

Chose to distance myself from the relationship because it may not be healthy for me to remain close to you.

Chose to keep things at the status quo and live in anger, bitterness, and resentment toward you.

 … Or any combination thereof.

Did I miss anything?

(As an aside I’ve been starting to do some research on the science of happiness: how to get it and how to keep it. Stay tuned…)