Monthly Archives: July 2012

With A Little Grace.

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Self deprecation and humility – there is a difference. I don’t know if it’s a Canadian thing or what, but I think many of us fear appearing egotistical, prideful, or cocky to such an extent that we overcompensate too much toward the other end and become almost self-deprecating. It’s often relatively subtle – an “oh it’s not that good” here, an “I kind of messed it up” there, a “You should see how good so and so does it”… but any and all put downs we give ourselves do still chip away at the soul and the self-esteem.

Many of us have done it. When someone pays us a compliment, we respond by telling them why they are wrong, and then proceed to prove to them why we are unworthy of their kindness by sharing a list of our shortcomings. I don’t think we’re consciously trying to put ourselves down, per say – more trying not to appear vain or conceited.

That said, when someone offers us a gift of kind words through a compliment the options available are not simply either “I KNOW!!” or “You’re WRONG”. We can always just say “thank you” and accept the gift. Simple as that. Offered gift recognized, received, and appreciated. Telling others why they are mistaken, misguided, or disillusioned when they pay us a compliment is like handing back a present with a little slap on the wrist. Most of us wouldn’t do that. It’s kind of impolite. Someone has gone out of their way to give us something special, thus accepting it with gratitude not only makes us feel good, but also makes the giver feel good too. AND when we start allowing ourselves to accept kind words from others, we might actually begin to be able accept them from ourselves. Win. Win… WIN!

Getting Happier. Three of Three.

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Over the past couple weeks we’ve been talking about perspective and how using empowering language and looking at our choices in a positive way can make us happier. Have I mentioned my disdain for the word should?

I’ve been going through the list of 15 things we can do to increase our happiness, and as promised, here are the final 5:

THE LAST 5 THINGS WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO TO INCREASE OUR HAPPINESS (in this series anyway)

11. CHOOSE TO USE YOUR COURAGE (cf: Give Up on Your Fears) We can choose to be fearful or we can choose to be courageous. Often it depends on how we look at things, so thinking of reasons why it’s in our best interest to use our courage will usually make that a much easy choice to make.

12. MAKE A CHOICE AND FOLLOW THROUGH (cf: Give Up Your Excuses): We get one life and it can be as empty or as full as we like. It’s not so much that it matters what we chose to do, but rather whether or not we commit and follow through. It’s important to pursue the things in life that are important to us, and it’s okay if we change our minds along the way. The most important thing is that the general trend is in the forward motion.

13. WORK ON LIVING IN THE MOMENT AND FINDING JOY IN IT (cf: Give Up the Past): As hard as we try, we cannot change the past, and only have so much control over the future. We can, however, determine what we do with our present. It’s easy to get caught up in living in the past, or preoccupying ourselves with plans for the future – but the truth is, all we are actually guaranteed is our present. So use it. Enjoy it.

14. TAKE OPPORTUNITIES TO LOVE OTHERS IN SELFLESS WAYS (cf: Give up Attachment): This one is a bit weird because of the original author’s definition of attachment. I won’t go into all of that though. The important thing here is to work on taking opportunities to love people in pure, kind, accepting, and selfless ways. Even when (and perhaps, especially when) we REALLY don’t feel like it.

15. TRUST YOUR INNER VOICE (cf: Give up on Living Your Life to Others People’s Expectations): It can be important to take the thoughts, views, and opinions of others into account when making major decisions in life, especially the ones belonging to those we are closest with and know us best. That said, we sometimes forget about one very important voice in the mix: Our own. When it comes down to it, most often we are the ones who are left living with the choices and decisions we make, so it’s usually pretty important to hear from ourselves about what might be meaningful and important to us.

There they are. All 15.

Happier yet?

Perspective. Part Deux.

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Last week we started to talk about perspective and looking at ways to increase our happiness through positive and empowering choices. The focus was on what we can choose to do. But only if we want. This week I promised to go through the next 5.

SO without further ado…

THE NEXT 5 THINGS WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO TO INCREASE OUR HAPPINESS

6. TAKE OPPORTUNITIES TO EXPRESS GRATITUDE (Original: Give Up on Complaining): We all have things we can be grateful for, like certain people and situations in our lives, or other things that are good or decent or meet our needs. They don’t have to be big – the little things actually count for a lot. Difficult things happen and for some of us they happen too often, but it’s important not to let them drag us down too far, and choosing to be grateful in the midst of difficulty can make a big difference with the happiness factor.

7. TAKE THE TIME TO OFFER PRAISE (Original: Give Up the Luxury of Criticism): If you recognize some thing you like or appreciate about someone – tell them!! This one gives us twice the bang for our buck because doing so will make the other person feel good, and then we can’t help but feel good for making someone else feel good. Everyone wins.

8. ACCEPT AND CELEBRATE THE REAL YOU (Original: Give Up Your Need to Impress Others): Once we can figure out a way to learn to like ourselves (and I’m not saying this is an easy one) it’s amazing how much other people start to be drawn to us and like us too.

9. TAKE OPPORTUNITIES TO BE OPEN TO CHANGE (Original: Give Up Your Resistance to Change):  Change can be hard but if we can weather the sometimes uncomfortable transition period, what’s waiting on the other side is often worth our effort.

10. EMBRACE OPPORTUNITIES TO DEVELOP UNDERSTANDING (Original: Give Up on Labels): At first impression, sometimes some people, places, or situations seem weird, different, or uncomfortable. If we can allow ourselves to dig a little deeper and learn a little more, we may be pleasantly surprised by how the newness can expand our minds and enrich our lives.

Stay tuned for the grand finale (the final 5) in next week’s post.

Perspective is Everything. Really.

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A little while ago a good friend forwarded me an article she received by email from another friend that was intended to be helpful and encouraging, but instead made her feel miserable and overwhelmed. The title of the article was ‘15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy,’ I hate to be critical, but I had to side with my friend here… even before I opened up the article and read what was written, I had begun to form my bias based on the title. First off, the Should. I don’t like Shoulds, and I think most of us should all over ourselves far too often. The other thing I find difficult is the choice of words: ‘giving something up.’ There has been so much brain research that has gone on over the past decade showing how much better we respond to positive or empowering messages as opposed to negative and limiting messages. Especially for an article meant to be encouraging and useful I find the negative choice of words curious. Lastly, 15 things. 15 THINGS!! That’s a lot. It’s overwhelming. And often when we feel overwhelmed with information our brains turn off and ability to recall even important information goes out the window, thereby rendering the potentially helpful information relatively useless.

All that said, I think the article did have some good points, but the delivery was all off. So I’ve decided to share it with you in a way that I think might be more useful and encouraging, and will present the first 5 this week, the second 5 next week and the third 5 the week after. Thus, without further ado:

5 THINGS WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO TO INCREASE OUR HAPPINESS:

  1. ALLOW OTHERS TO BE RIGHT SOMETIMES (Original: Give Up Your Need to Always be Right): It always often feels good to be right but sometimes it may not be as necessary as we might think, and can even harm an important relationship if we are unwilling to be flexible, or consider their point. A good thing to remind ourselves when we feel the urge to prove how right we are is to ask ourselves: “would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?”
  1. ALLOW OTHERS TO BE IN CONTROL OF THEIR LIVES (Original: Give Up Your Need For Control): Although we might believe that we know best, the truth is that we don’t always know what’s best for someone else, just as they don’t always know what’s best for us. We can offer to help, and then respect their wishes and back off if they say no.
  1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR OWN LIVES (Original: Give up on Blame): The only person we are responsible for is ourselves, and others themselves. Others are not responsible for us, and it is up to us to assert our own abilities to make choices, and bare the consequences of those choices if necessary.
  1. TREAT OURSELVES WITH KINDESS AND COMPASSION (Original: Give Up Your Self-Defeating Talk): Many of us are experts at being hurtful, cruel, and unkind to ourselves. We probably don’t need much more practice with that one. What might be more useful is to think about and try offering ourselves words of gentleness, compassion and understanding from time to time. Think about what you would say to a dear friend if they came to you while in the midst of struggle.
  1. OPEN OUR MINDS TO NEW POSIBILITIES (Original: Give Up Your Limiting Beliefs): It often feels like we are stuck and powerless in certain situations and circumstances in life. And it is true, sometimes we really don’t have much control over our circumstances, but we always have choices within those situations.

I think that’s good for now. If any of those seem useful to you, great – give them a try! If not, no biggie.