Monthly Archives: September 2011

Pressure’s Off.

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“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“They could say No.”

Doesn’t sound like too big of a deal, but to some, ok I guess to most, “no” is a really hard word to hear. When talking about boundary setting, we need to both give ourselves the freedom to say no and also allow others the same luxury. It can be really hard to hear no, especially if we’re banking on a yes. But maybe, just maybe, that person needs to say no more than we need them to say yes.

How to soften the blow of the no? Support networks i.e. more than one go-to person. If we can manage to gather and keep a few close and trusted confidants, the pressure is diminished for all parties involved. Meaning: if we go to one person for support and they honestly don’t have the capacity to give at that particular time, all is not lost, and we won’t be automatically left to deal with our feelings of sadness and doom all on our own. All one must do is go to the next supporter in ones roster and see if they have some available giving capacity. By enlisting a few, we give ourselves more capacity to hear no, and we give others more freedom to say no.

Between a Rock and a… Smaller Rock.

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As a counsellor I often find myself reading psychotherapy and mental well being books in order to help me learn and grow professionally. One of the perks of this part of my job is that what I learn through my research tends to rub off on me, thereby contributing to my personal growth and emotional wellness. Funny how…

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been reading and writing about boundary setting because this is an issue that often comes up with clients so I thought it useful to learn and understand more. A couple weeks ago I spoke about being responsible to others and for ourselves, and part of being responsible to others is helping each other as we are able either physically, emotionally, or mentally. In the book I am reading the authors talk about the difference between carrying a burden and a load. Apparently the Greek word for burden means those things that are so heavy they weigh us down and may even crush us like boulders. We need help carrying our boulders – in times when we are facing crisis or tragedy we need others to help us through.

Apparently then, the Greek word for load means cargo, or the things we are responsible for on a daily basis. These are our own feelings, behaviours, and attitudes as well as the things that we are more responsible for carrying on our own with our God given talents, skills, and abilities.

Problems begin to occur when we treat our boulders like daily loads and refuse help, thus putting ourselves through unnecessary pain. Conversely, some of us treat our daily loads like boulders that we don’t think we should have to carry resulting in irresponsibility which can also lead to resentment and frustration in others if they see us shirking our manageable responsibilities off onto them.

One of the keys then is to take an honest look at the boulders and loads in our lives and both allow others the opportunity of growing closer with us by helping us with our boulders, and also free others from the responsibility of carrying the loads we are perfectly capable of carrying on our own.

* The book I am currently reading is called: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. By Cloud & Townsend.

Taming the Beast.

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Anger is quite a powerful little 5 letter word that means very different things to different people. For some it is an emotion that is rejected or avoided at all cost and understood as evil, bad, or unacceptable. For others it is all too present and readily available to use to hurt, damage, or destroy – sometimes irreparably so.

Anger, like most emotions, is not a bad or shameful emotion in and of itself. It can even be very appropriate and useful at times. Without anger as a motivator for action we might feel less compelled to fight against injustice, oppression, and discrimination with the same degree of will and determination.

Anger can also give us a very clear sign that something is wrong. Anger feelings directed toward another provide us with a clear indication that someone has done something to threaten or injure something vulnerable inside of us. Further to this, anger is often referred to as a secondary emotion – an overt reaction serving to protect something internal. So what does all this mean Julia? Anger can be an absolutely invaluable resource if we learn how to use it to our advantage. When we notice ourselves getting angry at someone, we can stop and take a second to check in and ask ourselves “What is this anger protecting? If I take a closer look, what am I feeling beneath the anger?” and this will give us some insight into what’s really going on. More often than not the anger is going to be protecting feelings of hurt, or sadness, or fear. By choosing not to react and assault our (often unaware) perpetrator with the anger, (which will likely not only injure the relationship but will also leave us to deal with the aftermath of our own guilt and shame) we give ourselves the opportunity to take a step back, do a check in, figure out what’s really going on and decide if we can express ourselves immediately in a non-aggressive way, or if we need some time to cool off before we can communicate that vulnerable primary emotion. Often, in my experience, the latter works much better.

Easy to say, difficult to do, but like most things worth anything it takes patience, practice, and persistence.

Two Four

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Feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and exhausted because of putting everyone else’s needs before ones own has been a topic that has come up surprisingly frequently in my personal and professional life the past few weeks. As relational beings and perhaps more so for those of us who consider ourselves people pleasers, we often find ourselves feeling as though others’ well being and happiness is our responsibility to create, nurture, and maintain. Not only is this an incredibly ambitious undertaking, but in actuality, not humanly possible. Although sometimes it might be nice to have ultimate power and control over our spouses, children, parents (especially when they just won’t do things our way), unfortunately there’s this really interesting (and sometimes annoying) thing called free will.

Here then we’ll look at the concept of being responsible to our loved (and sometimes not so easily loved) ones as opposed to being responsible for them.  Try as we might, we are not responsible for ensuring others are happy, content, burden free, relieved, or satisfied. Believing and acting as though this is our responsibility is almost always bound to end up in us feeling exhausted, hurt, resentful, and angry because trying to control something or someone we have no ability to control is a discouraging and hopeless undertaking.

However, throughout our life’s journey we ARE responsible to be loving, respectful, kind, generous, patient, helpful, compassionate, and understanding. We chose to treat others how we might, and they chose how they will or will not respond. For better or worse those around us have the full right and ability to take what we give and do as they like.

In a shell of nuts, we are responsible to others and for ourselves.