Monthly Archives: October 2011

In The Name of Love.

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There’s an acronym in addiction treatment that people use to prevent relapse, but I think it’s an acronym everyone should know. HALT. It stands for Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. And it’s used as a self check-in when one is dealing with an urge or a craving to drink or use. The point is to ask oneself at that moment, “What am I really feeling? And what major need is not being met right now?” If we address and tend to this need, it’s almost certain that the craving will go away, and we will also likely feel happier, more balanced, and more relaxed. A pretty good trade off.

There’s no reason why HALT-ing can’t be done in any type of situation when we feel the urge to do or say something that is likely to result in no good. And, the bonuses are that we’ll both get to know ourselves better by becoming tuned in to our needs, and we’ll probably avoid causing unnecessary damage to either ourselves, our loved ones, or even perfect strangers.

Did I remember to say it’s usually advisable to HALT before the no good happens? Probably good to take note of that part…

All Puffed Up.

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This weekend I’m going to be giving a short speech, and I was asked by the event coordinator to provide her with a short bio about me to be read in my introduction. Now I felt a little funny writing about myself and the things I’ve done to get to where I’m at in my life and career until this point. I don’t know, maybe it’s because of the Scandinavian value of humility that’s been drilled into me since childhood, but whatever the reason, it felt weird so I reached out and asked a good friend to help me with this one by writing the short bio for me. She graciously agreed without hesitation, and I have to say it was one of the best decisions I have made in a long time. She just sent what she had written, and I was absolutely blown away. Not only is this friend a very talented, eloquent, and beautiful writer, but her words were about me… if only part of what she wrote is true… I was so touched and moved, almost to tears. It made me feel so loved and valued.

So this led me to think: Why do we typically only get to have expressed what people value and esteem in us during the eulogy at our funerals when we’re not even there to hear it, or accept their gift with grace and honour?” It seems a little silly to me.

So what I’m challenging, if you’re up for it, and believe me it’s worth it, is for you to reach out to a loved one and ask them if they will take some time to sit down and write a short paragraph about you. Maybe even frame it as “Let’s say you are going to introduce me to a group of people who don’t know me, and you want to tell them some of the things you notice and appreciate about me that you want them to know.” They don’t have to write a novel, just a short paragraph or two… and you can also tell them that they don’t have to worry about covering everything about you. That might take the pressure of forgetting something off of them. It’s a really powerful experience, and it will likely make you feel closer to both yourself and that person.

I think I’m going to print my little paragraph and keep it close by at all times, and then read it every time I feel like I’m lacking in value or significance. It’s pretty hard to feel crummy after reading something like that.

Gambling Problem.

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Is there ever any point in avoiding an uncomfortable situation or conversation in the hope that it will just turn out the way we want it to? Or are we merely just kidding ourselves into simply prolonging the inevitable? I’m a bit stuck on this one.

I just had a conversation with a woman who has been getting hot and cold messages from a love interest. This has been going on for several months now without resolve either way. It is causing her a great deal of confusion, and albeit some frustration, but what are her options for a resolution? And are there actually any good options? If she avoids the issue there is the chance that the love interest will make up his mind either way at some point in the future: he may decide he wants to date her, or decide that he in fact does not, and then make either of these choices clear to her. However, how long might that take? Weeks? Months? Years? Is it fair to expect the other person to address an issue we are having a hard time with? Is it worth waiting around to find out?

The other option is for her to get right down to business, and I’m going to say it, address the issue openly and honestly (gasp!). This seems as though it would be an effective way of resolving the issue and ending any emotional turmoil perpetuated by a lack of clarity. However, there are risks to approaching a situation this way. If the dreaded transpires and the person does not provide us with the response we’re hoping to hear our hopes may become crushed and the possibility of the possible is no longer.

This situation also pertains to either addressing or not a potential pursuer toward whom we have no interest or affection. Is it fair to string them along in the hopes that everything will just turn out and they’ll get the message without us having to initiate a potentially uncomfortable conversation?

So I ask again, maybe hurt now? Or maybe hurt later? I think, though, that the more accurate to ask is, do I honestly think that something mysterious will happen between now and later which will increase the chance of me getting the result I want? Am I willing to take that gamble? Or, am I fooling myself, wasting time, and just prolonging the inevitable?

Stacked Team.

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It seems so easy to focus on what we lack (in skill, ability, material possessions, intelligence, relationship status, etc.) – in fact most of us might consider ourselves experts in the practice. Why are we so good at dwelling on the shortcomings and at the same time sometimes struggle to see the goodness? Is it just human nature? Social conditioning? Parental modeling? Mass media marketing? Whatever the reason, most of us are darn near experts in the art of the ‘if only.’

In order to tip the balance a bit the other way, we have one day a year where we are intentionally reminded to reflect on what we are grateful for. On this day we are given the opportunity to give thanks for that which we do have, and good gracious most of us have a lot! I’ve talked about perspective before and how we do have choices about which perspective we are going to take in a given situation. We can chose to see the positive, the things we are grateful for, and the reasons to be thankful. Not to condone a societal attitude change to that of Polly Anna or anything (that would get a bit nauseating), but maybe just a conscious reminder to ourselves to be grateful from time to time – just to help even out the playing field.

Happily Ever After?

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The myth of romantic love as propagated by our culture is that we are destined to meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after with the one. This illusion first starts to take shape when were we children reading and watching fairy tales of beautiful princesses meeting and falling in love with their handsome princes. I think as adults all of us secretly hope or hoped that when we meet or met the right person, we would live happily ever after in perfect union and harmony, and since the match is perfect, we would be able to satisfy all of each other’s needs forever and ever. What seems like an innocent fantasy of ball gowns, horse-drawn carriages and swooning princes is actually quite influential in perverting and distorting our perception of love.

It comes as quite a shock when we start to experience that our beloved prince or princess no longer seems to want to satisfy all of our needs as they did when we were under the spell of falling in love. Friction starts to arise, we no longer feel perfectly in sync, we fall out of love, and then begin to plague ourselves with the dreadful thought that we may have made a mistake and did not, in fact, end up with our one true love, our soul mate. We start to believe that maybe what we thought was love was not actually the real thing and are now doomed to either live unhappily ever after or get divorced.

This myth of romantic love is a dreadful lie. And although this commentary is a simplistic explanation, there are countless couples who are either ashamed of the fact that they are no longer in deeply romantic love with their partner (a stage in most healthy relationships that is only present for a time at the beginning) and thus put on a image of marital bliss for others, meanwhile experiencing deep sadness or depression around the fact that their relationship is not what it appears to be. Or they may say to themselves “I am no longer as in love with my partner as I was in the beginning, therefore I must have chosen the wrong person,” which also leaves one with feelings of sadness, depression, and regret.

At the same time, there are lots and lots of couples who invest in, work on, create, and experience long-term or life-long mutually satisfying, healthy relationships. What’s the secret? If the fairy tale version is not love, what is?

What does it take to love someone and stay committed to them? I’m interested to hear what my readers have to say about their views on love. Please share by leaving a reply just below.