Tag Archives: relationships

Two Four 2

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faces

A while ago I wrote this posting about being responsible for ourselves and to others. To sum up, what this means is that we are responsible FOR our own thoughts, behaviours, reactions, emotions, but we are not responsible FOR those same things in others. We are, however, responsible TO others. It is our responsibility TO be kind, respectful, understanding, and compassionate toward others.

It’s not okay, and it rarely turns out well when we try to take on someone else’s downward spiralling emotions and then try to fix them, nor is it all that useful to allow ourselves to get drawn down into and stuck in someone else’s muck. That said, it’s also not all that helpful or all that conducive when relationship building if we take on an attitude of “I’m going to do, say, and act however I want and if you don’t like it that’s your problem.” Don’t forget, we still do have a responsibility toward those we care about and value.

No, it’s not always all about them, and no, it’s not always all about me. Like most things in life, a healthy balance is what we’re aiming for.

Good for Me – Part Deux

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And now, as promised, here are:

The Next  5 Things that Keep Us From Expressing Our Feelings.

6. Low Self-Esteem: You believe that others peoples needs, wants, and expectations are important and valuable, but yours, for some reason, are not. You spend much of your time trying to please others and meet their expectations but rarely, if ever, express your feelings or tell others what you want.

*My question here is, if other people’s thoughts, opinions, and preferences matter, then why don’t yours as well? Is there really such a thing as some people being fundamentally better than others? Or is that just a story we tell ourselves?

7. Spontaneity: You believe you don’t have the right to say what you are thinking or feeling when you are upset. You may feel that if you accurately describe what is going on for you (i.e. feeling hurt, neglected, sad, disappointed) will sound weak and ridiculous.

*You may very well sound and feel vulnerable if you are honest with your feelings. But not saying anything inadvertently tells the other person that it is okay if they treat you this way.

8. Mind Reading: You believe others should know how you feel and what you want without actually expressing yourself directly.

*This then gives us a good excuse to feel resentful and upset with others for not seeming to care about our wants and needs… even though we haven’t actually told them what we want and need. That doesn’t seem too fair.

9. Being a Martyr: You are afraid to admit when you are angry, hurt, sad, or disappointed because you don’t want to give others the satisfaction of knowing they’ve upset you.

*This is a pride/ego issue of feeling like we need to overly control our emotions and suffer in silence – again, not too helpful for the growth and development of any meaningful relationship. Not to mention the fact that when we do this we usually just end up feeling bitter and resentful.

10. Need to Solve Problems: After a conflict you go around and around in your head trying to figure out how to make the problem go away instead of just sharing your feelings openly and asking the other person how they are feeling about the situation.

*Talking it through and taking the time to understand both sides is WAY more productive and WAY less time consuming than trying to magically make the problem go away.

That’s them. Any favourites? I know that changing some of these habits can feel really difficult and maybe even a bit scary at first, but I can tell you from experience, it is so liberating and so much easier to learn to communicate in healthy and positive ways. And honestly, once we feel like we really can express how we’re feeling if something is bothering us, you’ll see that eventually you’ll start to notice how much less things actually do end up really bothering you. It’s really neat how it all works.

Gambling Problem.

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Is there ever any point in avoiding an uncomfortable situation or conversation in the hope that it will just turn out the way we want it to? Or are we merely just kidding ourselves into simply prolonging the inevitable? I’m a bit stuck on this one.

I just had a conversation with a woman who has been getting hot and cold messages from a love interest. This has been going on for several months now without resolve either way. It is causing her a great deal of confusion, and albeit some frustration, but what are her options for a resolution? And are there actually any good options? If she avoids the issue there is the chance that the love interest will make up his mind either way at some point in the future: he may decide he wants to date her, or decide that he in fact does not, and then make either of these choices clear to her. However, how long might that take? Weeks? Months? Years? Is it fair to expect the other person to address an issue we are having a hard time with? Is it worth waiting around to find out?

The other option is for her to get right down to business, and I’m going to say it, address the issue openly and honestly (gasp!). This seems as though it would be an effective way of resolving the issue and ending any emotional turmoil perpetuated by a lack of clarity. However, there are risks to approaching a situation this way. If the dreaded transpires and the person does not provide us with the response we’re hoping to hear our hopes may become crushed and the possibility of the possible is no longer.

This situation also pertains to either addressing or not a potential pursuer toward whom we have no interest or affection. Is it fair to string them along in the hopes that everything will just turn out and they’ll get the message without us having to initiate a potentially uncomfortable conversation?

So I ask again, maybe hurt now? Or maybe hurt later? I think, though, that the more accurate to ask is, do I honestly think that something mysterious will happen between now and later which will increase the chance of me getting the result I want? Am I willing to take that gamble? Or, am I fooling myself, wasting time, and just prolonging the inevitable?

Below the Surface

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There’s an idea out there in the psychology world that we create, to a large extent, how people treat us, and recently I’ve been finding myself thinking and philosophizing about this idea more than usual. Now obviously if we are rude and mean to someone most likely they will respond to us with anger or resentment… nothing profound there. And, sometimes friends, loved ones, and even complete strangers will be overtly rude to us for no apparent reason… I’m not saying we necessarily caused them to treat us in this way… sometimes people are just having bad days and they decide to take it out on the next innocent person who unknowingly crosses their path.

I’m talking here about something a little more subtle and below the surface where there is always so much more going on. I’m talking about things like being talked down to by our partners; like feeling as though we’re always the one taking responsibility for coming up with ‘the plan’ when with friends; like we don’t get included in social get togethers very often; Like our parents don’t trust us to make good decisions… I could go on but I think you get the point. It’s kind of a hard and painful concept to really look at and reflect on. Could it really be true that I’m largely responsible for setting up how others treat me? Perhaps, and often most likely unintentionally, but the truth is that we play a pretty major role in shaping how others approach us… especially those with whom we have closer relationships.

Think about this: Are there certain friends who you would never cancel plans on, but would on others? Are there certain people who you would call the day of to make plans and others you only plan with a week or two in advance? Are there some family members who you feel you can be straightforward and honest with and others you often skirt around or avoid the issue with? Are there some friends you trust with your most personal secrets and others you would never go to in confidence? What have they done to influence how you approach them?

This idea can be really challenging, or even upsetting for some – especially if we often find ourselves being treated poorly in our relationships and instead of the blaming others for their wrong doings and pointing the finger 100% outwards. We might have to take some pretty major responsibility and look inward, or at least partly inward and share some of that responsibility. The good, if not GREAT news is that we are NOT helpless victims. If we have the ability to play a major role in how others treat us for worse, then we can recast those roles and create opportunities for others to treat us how we actually want to be treated!

I’m not saying it’s easy, or that we will always be successful, but it’s a start: An empowering start.