A Little Bit Louder Now.

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Yesterday morning while on my way into the church I typically attend on Sunday mornings there stood a small gathering of protestors. Now perhaps I’ve become a bit of a jaded city girl after several years of being asked for my money, my time, or my interest by all kinds of people I pass on the street because I didn’t even look twice at this small gathering of people nor did I notice just what they were protesting. It wasn’t until the pastor brought it up during the service that I was informed that they were taking a public stand against religion. Hmm. Well okay. I still didn’t really give it too much thought. There are plenty of people out there who both for and against religions of all kinds.

After church while standing outside waiting for some friends, however, I noticed that there were some church goers in heated debates with the protesters, and it wasn’t long before they were all yelling at each other. I know it shouldn’t have struck me as odd, people yell to make their point and have their voice heard all the time, but it did… maybe because it was just outside of a church? I don’t know. I suppose we spiritual folk yell too.

Research shows that the more forcibly someone else pushes their argument or rightness on us, the stronger we cling to our own originally held beliefs and convictions. Perhaps a little counter intuitive for those who think that the harder we push or the louder we yell the more convincing we will be. If we think about it though, when was the last time you were in a heated debate with someone who was trying to forcibly convince you of their side and you all of a sudden stopped and said in all sincerity: “You know what, you’re right. And I’ve been totally wrong all this time – thank you so much for enlightening me!” I’m pretty sure that doesn’t happen all that often, so I’m wondering why many of us still think that we can force our beliefs/opinions/views onto others? …If only they could just see how right we were??!!

I do have to hand it to those protesters though. It takes a lot of courage to go out in public and take a stand for what you think others should or should not believe in.

Leave It To The Pros.

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When we were children I think it’s safe to say that most of us pretended to be, or wished we were superheroes some of the time… or maybe all of the time. It was fun! Fun to run around the backyard donning a flowing cape (aka floral pillowcase) and a pair of underwear over our stretchy pants (aka long underwear)… fun to speak with authority in a booming voice over our younger siblings, cabbage patch dolls, or G.I. Joes. Fun to take on the world and save the innocent from crime, injustice, and bad guys.

Inappropriate as it may be, however, some of us have taken our Super Hero complexes with us into adulthood. We often find ourselves thinking and believing that we must demonstrate how strong, tough, powerful, or bulletproof we are by facing and attempting to overcome our struggles alone. What’s this need to think of ourselves as being bigger, better, stronger if we can go at it all on our own? No matter the struggle – drug  addiction, alcohol abuse, depressed feelings, intense anxiety, disordered eating, feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or burnt out – whatever it may be, why do many of us hold the belief somewhere in our psyche that if we face and conquer our struggles all on our own then we… then we what?? Win? Win what? Maybe the opportunity to struggle a lot longer and a lot harder than if we’d sought out or asked for help, support, a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on, or a group to be connected to.

I’m going to be as bold as to say that rarely is it all that advisable or even beneficial to attempt to overcome our struggles alone. Why would we? I vote that we use our courage to allow others to help and support us as we brave through our challenges and leave the superheroing stuff to the pros.

Where to Pointe.

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Often times when we feel angry toward another it is because they are not meeting our expectations in some way shape or form. Many of us are really well versed in the finger pointing name game and are brilliant users of the word “you”. You did this, or you did that, or you are to blame, or you are being mean, ungrateful, hurtful, etcetera, etcetera. The tougher part to bring to light in all of this is that there would be no you if there wasn’t also first an I.

I am hurt, angry, frustrated, upset because you did not meant my expectations. I expected you to be kind to me, treat me fairly, be considerate toward me, and acknowledge my feelings, and meet my needs in some way shape or form. Now of course having expectations from others to greater and lesser degrees is not unreasonable, in fact in close relationships it is definitely necessary. However I do not have to fall at the mercy of how you decide to treat, relate, respond to me.

I have choices. I always have choices.

I can:

Chose to express to you how I am feeling and ask if you would be willing to work together with me to make changes that will have a positive impact on our relationship.

Chose to accept how you treat me and then change my expectations for what I want from you, or from our relationship.

Chose to distance myself from the relationship because it may not be healthy for me to remain close to you.

Chose to keep things at the status quo and live in anger, bitterness, and resentment toward you.

 … Or any combination thereof.

Did I miss anything?

(As an aside I’ve been starting to do some research on the science of happiness: how to get it and how to keep it. Stay tuned…)

 

Straight Forward.

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There seems to be a bit of a misconception with some of us that in order to be a “good” or “strong” person we must not react to upsetting interactions with others, be it friends, family members, roommates, coworkers etc. The whole idea of turning the other cheek - meaning that if someone slaps you across the face you are to turn and present the other cheek for them to continue their assault – doesn’t sit well or really actually make that much sense to me. If the alternative is to smack them back, then no, I’m not proposing that. Not at all. But what about a third option? What about saying to our aggressor “Please do not slap (read: call me down, speak rudely to, yell at) me. I do not like that, and will not tolerate that. If you are angry with me, tell me why you are angry and let’s talk about it, and see if we can work this out. If we are feeling too emotionally charged to talk about this now, let’s plan a time later on when we have cooled off.”

If we are met with some form of aggression, verbal or otherwise, how is it helpful to be a passive recipient of that aggression? If the aggressor learns that he or she can be aggressive or offensive with their words without consequence, opposition, or accountability in any way, shape, or form, how is that helpful to anyone? How are they to know that this type of behaviour is not okay?

Actually, one of the reasons some people react with physical or verbal violence is because they have not really learned how to express themselves in clear and assertive ways with their words, and have thus resorted to physical and verbal violence as a (very destructive) form of communication.

I was working with a woman one time who asked me if I would think she was a bad person if she was to tell her roommate that she doesn’t like being yelled and called down when her roommate is displeased with her.

Twenty Three and a Half.

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I was all set with what I was going to blog about this week and then, just a moment ago, that all got flipped on its side after watching a short, yet powerful YouTube Video. I don’t often click on too, too many links that people post on Twitter, Linked In, and other such sites, but for some reason today I did. As an aside, do you ever hapt upon by seeming fluke or accident things in life that enrich and enliven you, and then wonder what you might have missed had you not done that thing that you don’t often do? And then ask… was it really a fluke? Or is this something I needed to see or hear or do for some significant reason? Anyway … I digress.

This YouTube video was definitely worth the time. It talks about the single best thing we can do for our health… and it’s really, really simple. What I think makes it most impactful is that it tells us what we can, or may want to do, as opposed to what we can’t, or should stop doing. Because really, which of us likes being told what not to do?

So Julia, what is it already??

It shouldn’t come as much of a shock, and most of us have heard it in some way or another before, but the single best thing we can do for our health is… exercise. that’s it. simple. straightforward. easy and doable. Just a little moderate exercise (think walking) for 20-30 minutes a day – c’est tout. AND you can even break that time up into a few10 minute chunks! Most of us know that this amount of regular exercise has huge health implications for ailments like heart disease, arthritis, high blood pressure, etcetera, etcetera (probably not new news). BUT it can also have a HUGE impact on decreasing and treating DEPRESSION!! Really truly. Actually, I was at a conference awhile ago and one of the presenters spoke about recent studies showing that jogging can be as effective as pharmaceutical anti-depressants for treating depression.

“Can you limit your sitting and sleeping to just 23 and a ½ hours a day?”

Watch the video. It’s really well done and shares some pretty interesting information in a very captivating way.