Putting Red to Good Use.

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What am I angry about? What is the problem? And whose problem is it? How can I figure out who is responsible for what? When I’m angry, what do I need to say to clearly communicate my stance without becoming defensive or aggressive?

As women, many of us have been taught to be ashamed of our anger and have thus not learned how to use it effectively or to our benefit. Many of us have pretty unproductive ways of expressing our anger, the common culprits being passive aggression, the silent treatment, or crumbling under a sea of tears. All of these expressions of repressed anger keep us from making clear statements about our thoughts or emotions – often because we believe being clear and assertive will make another person feel uncomfortable. When this occurs the real issue is never addressed and thus the real problem never resolved. I’m sure many of us women have seen this happen – we turn to tears in the heat of an argument with a partner or close friend: The arguing is quickly replaced by their attempts to comfort us in order to stop the crying, and thus the actual issues goes unresolved. Problem not solved.

Of course there is much more to be said about women and anger… actually a whole book. It’s an easy read and I highly recommend: The Dance of Anger.

So, my challenge to my female readers: next time you feel yourself hottening in the head and burning in the belly, aka anger, take a second to breathe, ask yourself what is really going on: What about this situation makes me angry? What is the real issue here? What am I thinking and feeling? What do I want to accomplish by expressing my thoughts and feelings? What do I want to see happen? And what are the things I will do to see the change I want to see? And then express what you are thinking and feeling using clear “I feel” statements, and try to keep the tears at bay… at least as much as you can… for now.

Risky Business.

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Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is not, nor is it a sign of, weakness. If we think about it, most of us would agree that it takes a whole lot of courage to be vulnerable, so it could be said that courage and weakness are actually near opposites. Being vulnerable is a risk. It means being exposed and being honest, and the outcome is often uncertain. However, vulnerability is the birthplace of change. It’s really hard to explore ourselves and experience growth within ourselves and within our relationships with others if we’re not willing to be honest and thus vulnerable. An interesting question to ponder is whether it’s more challenging and takes more courage to be honest with others or to be honest with ourselves. I mean really honest – that means no far reaching justifications (which, if we are really being honest we know are just excuses to avoid feeling guilty for the things we know are not good for us), and no putting the responsibility for our problems solely on others.

Buyer beware, there are risks to being vulnerable: when we are real with ourselves and others we will be exposed to potential judgement. We can mitigate this risk to a certain extent by choosing judiciously who we are vulnerable with, but there is always a certain degree of risk involved. If we are courageous enough to take that risk, there is great potential for significant growth in so many ways– not to mention the fact that by using our courage with others we inadvertently also give them the permission and safety to be honest and vulnerable themselves.

There is a really great Ted Talks YouTube video on Vulnerability and Shame given by Brene Brown. I recommend having a watch.

Zero Tolerance.

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Further to last week’s discussion, I’ve been learning more about that which seems to be contributing to the current state of our overly anxious society: and that is our ability (or lack thereof) to tolerate frustration. What I mean is, some things, sometimes, are not within our control, and we often aren’t able to manage every little detail, and things don’t always go exactly our way. Many of us have learned to lose our patience when things do not go as planned and thus often experience some greater or lesser (but often greater) degree of distress, worry, or discouragement when we encounter detours or roadblocks in life. Some of us even claim defeat and give up all together at the smallest setback or obstacle. Why is that? Why do we often get so glued to things going our way and become all wound up when they don’t? So what happens if things don’t go exactly how we expected? Who said they had to? And who decided that we ought to get all bent out of shape if they don’t? I think it’s sometimes good for us to sit in a bit of frustration if it will help us learn to tolerate it with a little more grace.

I have a feeling that one can’t help but enjoy life more when less time is spent fretting over that which cannot be controlled or changed, and more time is spent regrouping, refocusing, and ultimately rolling with that darn, but inevitable, resistance.

Perspiring Unnecessarily.

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But what if Julia? What if???  I hear that a lot. In fact, I sometimes find myself saying that a lot.

Does it seem like as a culture we have become a lot more anxious as individuals in the last decade or two? I don’t have any concrete stats or studies handy right now, but I have heard that we, in general, experience a higher degree of anxiety than generations before. I equate some of this to the paradox of choice: meaning that now, more than ever before, we have SO many choices in almost everything, almost all of the time, that it becomes almost paralyzing. From what type of milk we’d like frothed in an attempt to feed our $5.00 per cup latté addiction, to how many television screen inches we are convinced will satisfy our deepest longings, to choosing the perfect hue of eggshell white we are to paint our drab and dreary living room walls (by the way, did you know there are 137 different whites in the Benjamin Moore paint colour palate? Really? 137??).

With endless amounts of choices presented to us, one might think that there is, in fact, a perfect choice, however one might not be exactly sure what that perfect choice is, or what type of perfection in which arena one might be trying to achieve. Thus, sets in the anxiety. If there is a perfect way to dress, decorate, consume, interact, entertain, relate, and socialize then what happens if we somehow fall short of this seemingly subjective mark? And if the mark is subjective, who’s subjective is it, and how do we know if we’ve achieved the nebulous right and perfect that we seek?’ Perhaps I’m getting a little too philosophical… I digress.

My point is that when we spend our moments fretting, worrying, and in perpetual unease about the what if, our present becomes filled with fear for the future in some way, shape, or form, leaving little room to actually live our lives in any kind of meaningful way… right now. In the present. OUR present. Most things are out of our total control, and it seems like many of us spend a lot of time trying to control that which we ultimately can’t, thus leaving ourselves to fight a losing battle. I’m not saying it’s bad to prepare for the future, or to use caution, logic, and good sense in our daily lives, but there is such thing as too much. Some times we need to just let go and have a little faith that ultimately the vast majority of our choices, decisions, and dilemmas are not a matter of life and death – and really don’t matter all that much. And thank goodness for that. In the grand scheme of things most of it is just small stuff anyway. So I ask the question: is it really worth all of that sweat?

The Issue with White Pants

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Have you ever noticed that the more stuff people have, the more locks, gates, security systems, passwords, and other protection devices they have as well? Most of us are already aware that there is a direct link between materialism and depression for many reasons. One of these reasons being that generally the more we have, the more the more we are responsible for protecting that which we have, leading to more stress, more time spent managing our possessions, and less time for the things that really matter.  Because we live in the West, relatively speaking, the vast majority of us have A LOT. Not to say that all of us who have a lot are necessarily protective and possessive with our belongings, but I don’t think it would be too far off to say that none of us likes to have our stuff damaged by a careless borrowee, accidently lost, or not-so-accidently stolen. So this then would indicate that there is some degree of time, energy, and effort… not to mention concern and worry, that goes into possession ownership. How much time do we want to be spending stressing about and managing the state of our goods? And if we are being distracted in this way, how much of this takes us away from being involved in things that are truly meaningful and important? At what point do we cross that line into becoming possessed by our possessions? And we might even ask ourselves, why do we let it happen?

Now it’s not always so easy in the current state of our society to stay grounded in and focused on the things that are truly meaningful and important, and thus keeping ourselves from getting caught up in the ultimately isolating chaos. Regular little self-reminders and reality checks are often essential if we hope to keep the main things the main things.