General | Julia Kristina Counselling - Part 18

Not a Four Letter Word

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:05:57-07:00September 17th, 2012|General|

Here’s a little more on assertiveness. Like I said, I’m a big fan of this one. Learning to be assertive is probably one of the most useful communication tools I can think of. It can strengthen our relationships, reduce stress from conflict or having to “suck it up”, and it generally just makes one a happier person. Part of being assertive is learning how to say no. For many of us, no is basically a four letter word, and we try to avoid it at all cost by employing elaborately worded maybe’s or a yes [...]

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Standing Tall

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:05:57-07:00September 10th, 2012|General|

I talk a lot about assertiveness, because, let’s be honest, I’m a big fan, and unfortunately, many of us don’t put it to its good use as often as we could! In a nut shell, assertiveness is our ability to express our thoughts and feelings and assert our rights while also acknowledging and respecting the rights of others. It’s about being appropriately open, honest, and clear about where WE are at. People often confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness, which is when we express our feelings, preferences, and needs in a way that is disrespectful, inappropriate, critical, [...]

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Beast Whispering 101

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:05:57-07:00August 27th, 2012|General|

Lately I’ve become quite fascinated with anger. I find myself reading and re-reading any and all information that comes across my path on the topic. I haven’t been intentionally seeking out literature or information on anger… not just yet anyway, but am finding the more I learn the more I want to know. Anger is one of those funny emotions. Not really funny ‘ha ha’, but more ‘ha, that’s curious, what’s this all about?.’ Many of us fear anger. For women, most of us were taught as children that good girls don’t show, let along [...]

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Earning Our Keep.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:05:58-07:00August 20th, 2012|General|

Many of us believe that our worth depends on our behaviour… ‘The more I do, accomplish, achieve, the more worthwhile, valuable, significant I am.’ That sometimes bugger of an internal voice is relentless in telling us that in order for me to be of any value I must do something worthwhile and important. I know you might not buy it for a second, but if you’ll humour me, the truth is that our value is found in the clear fact that we are conscious, and we can see, and we can experience. We are sophisticated, [...]

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Chose Your Words Carefully

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:05:58-07:00August 13th, 2012|General|

So further to last week’s perhaps somewhat unsanitary discussion, dealing with a shouldy mess can often be as straightforward as changing the words we chose to express our thoughts and feelings. This might sound too ridiculously simple to be true, but to that I say perhaps not, seeing as we interpret, process, and then respond to pretty much everything in the world based on the specific word choices we use, either aloud or in our heads. Ah the philosophy of language…. And there’s my undergraduate minor leaking through… Anyway, we do have a few of [...]

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Shoulding All Over Ourselves

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:05:58-07:00August 7th, 2012|General|

It might not be immediately obvious, but we are all guilty of shoulding on ourselves and others… some of us more so than we might want to admit. There are 3 types of shoulds that most of us regularly employ that really aren’t doing us much good. Should #1 – Shoulding on the Self: “I SHOULD do well at everything and be approved of, liked, and admired by everyone or else I am no good and do not deserve to be happy.” This demand on the self results in anxiety, depression, and often allowing others [...]

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With A Little Grace

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:05:58-07:00July 23rd, 2012|General|

Self deprecation and humility – there is a difference. I don’t know if it’s a Canadian thing or what, but I think many of us fear appearing egotistical, prideful, or cocky to such an extent that we overcompensate too much toward the other end and become almost self-deprecating. It’s often relatively subtle – an “oh it’s not that good” here, an “I kind of messed it up” there, a “You should see how good so and so does it”… but any and all put downs we give ourselves do still chip away at the soul [...]

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Getting Happier. Three of Three.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:05:58-07:00July 16th, 2012|General|

Over the past couple weeks we’ve been talking about perspective and how using empowering language and looking at our choices in a positive way can make us happier. Have I mentioned my disdain for the word should? I’ve been going through the list of 15 things we can do to increase our happiness, and as promised, here are the final 5: THE LAST 5 THINGS WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO TO INCREASE OUR HAPPINESS (in this series anyway) 11. CHOOSE TO USE YOUR COURAGE (cf: Give Up on Your Fears) We can choose to be [...]

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Perspective. Part Deux.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:05:58-07:00July 9th, 2012|General|

Last week we started to talk about perspective and looking at ways to increase our happiness through positive and empowering choices. The focus was on what we can choose to do. But only if we want. This week I promised to go through the next 5. SO without further ado… THE NEXT 5 THINGS WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO TO INCREASE OUR HAPPINESS 6. TAKE OPPORTUNITIES TO EXPRESS GRATITUDE (Original: Give Up on Complaining): We all have things we can be grateful for, like certain people and situations in our lives, or other things that are good or decent or [...]

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Perspective is Everything. Really.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:00-07:00July 3rd, 2012|General|

A little while ago a good friend forwarded me an article she received by email from another friend that was intended to be helpful and encouraging, but instead made her feel miserable and overwhelmed. The title of the article was ‘15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy,’ I hate to be critical, but I had to side with my friend here… even before I opened up the article and read what was written, I had begun to form my bias based on the title. First off, the Should. I don’t like Shoulds, and [...]

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No Ulterior Motives

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:00-07:00June 25th, 2012|General|

No one is going to pay you to do what you love. Well, I guess another way to say this, is once you start getting paid to do what you love, you will likely stop loving it quite as much. As humans, we have two motivational forces: intrinsic and extrinsic, in other words internal and external motivating factors. Usually, the things we do that make us most genuinely happy and the things that we do because they make us most genuinely happy. This is what is referred to as intrinsic motivation: the things we do [...]

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It’s Not Personal.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:00-07:00June 18th, 2012|General|

I find it so interesting, and perhaps even somewhat amusing how different topics seem to come into my life in thematic form. What I mean is; I sometimes find I will hap upon information or situations that fall in line with a certain theme-of-the-day, week, or month. This week the theme seems to be Rejection so I have decided I must be meant to write about it. I began reading an article last night about rejection which talked about how rejection can not only deeply impact the psyche but also suggested that some types of [...]

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A Not-So-Gentle Reminder.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:00-07:00June 11th, 2012|General|

I think because I make it a pretty major priority to eat relatively healthy and get a decent amount of sleep, I tend not to get sick very often. BUT when I do, and when it’s bad, let me tell you, it is a whole lot of no fun. I hate feeling awful – funny I say that because I’m wondering if anyone actually does enjoy feeling awful?? Anyway, as awful as it is to feel awful, without fail whenever I feel this way I find myself thinking: “Oh boy I can’t wait to feel [...]

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Practically Perfect in… Some Way.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:00-07:00June 4th, 2012|General|

As difficult as it may be to wrap our minds around, most situations, circumstance, and experiences we encounter in life are pretty much neutral in nature, and cease only to be based on the meaning, value, and perspective with which we chose to interpret them. Now I’m sure we’ve all had some well meaning person tell us to just look on the bright side and as most of know, this is not usually so helpful – especially when we’re right smack in the middle of an emotional upheaval. Sometimes in life things suck. And that’s [...]

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Grateful and Enriched.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:00-07:00May 28th, 2012|General|

This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity of giving a Presentation to my colleagues at the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy’s (CCPA) Annual National Conference in Calgary. I feel so blessed to have had such a warm, engaging, and responsive group of men and women to present to even though we were all pretty packed into that conference room. Thank you also to those participants who came and shared their thoughts, questions, and personal stories with me after the presentation – I really valued these opportunities to learn from you and grow with you. It [...]

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Putting Red to Good Use.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:00-07:00May 14th, 2012|General|

What am I angry about? What is the problem? And whose problem is it? How can I figure out who is responsible for what? When I’m angry, what do I need to say to clearly communicate my stance without becoming defensive or aggressive? As women, many of us have been taught to be ashamed of our anger and have thus not learned how to use it effectively or to our benefit. Many of us have pretty unproductive ways of expressing our anger, the common culprits being passive aggression, the silent treatment, or crumbling under a [...]

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Risky Business.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:00-07:00May 7th, 2012|General|

Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is not, nor is it a sign of, weakness. If we think about it, most of us would agree that it takes a whole lot of courage to be vulnerable, so it could be said that courage and weakness are actually near opposites. Being vulnerable is a risk. It means being exposed and being honest, and the outcome is often uncertain. However, vulnerability is the birthplace of change. It’s really hard to explore ourselves and experience growth within ourselves and within our relationships with others if we’re not willing to [...]

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Zero Tolerance.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00April 30th, 2012|General|

Further to last week’s discussion, I’ve been learning more about that which seems to be contributing to the current state of our overly anxious society: and that is our ability (or lack thereof) to tolerate frustration. What I mean is, some things, sometimes, are not within our control, and we often aren’t able to manage every little detail, and things don’t always go exactly our way. Many of us have learned to lose our patience when things do not go as planned and thus often experience some greater or lesser (but often greater) degree of [...]

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Perspiring Unnecessarily.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00April 23rd, 2012|General|

But what if Julia? What if??? I hear that a lot. In fact, I sometimes find myself saying that a lot. Does it seem like as a culture we have become a lot more anxious as individuals in the last decade or two? I don’t have any concrete stats or studies handy right now, but I have heard that we, in general, experience a higher degree of anxiety than generations before. I equate some of this to the paradox of choice: meaning that now, more than ever before, we have SO many choices in almost [...]

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The Issue with White Pants

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00April 16th, 2012|General|

Have you ever noticed that the more stuff people have, the more locks, gates, security systems, passwords, and other protection devices they have as well? Most of us are already aware that there is a direct link between materialism and depression for many reasons. One of these reasons being that generally the more we have, the more the more we are responsible for protecting that which we have, leading to more stress, more time spent managing our possessions, and less time for the things that really matter. Because we live in the West, relatively speaking, [...]

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Just A Little More.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00April 10th, 2012|General|

How much is enough? Here I’m talking about Money. Do we secretly believe that once we finally have that certain amount we will no doubt become the happy people we’ve always wanted to be? Whether conscious or not, many of us think that once I have just a little more I will be happy. But the sobering part in all of this is that the just right amount isn’t actually achievable. So what does all this mean? Surely if I make or acquire X amount of dollars a year/month/day I will be satisfied and I [...]

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Who Said This Would Be Easy?

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00April 4th, 2012|General|

Believe it or not we can often actually change our emotions by choosing to engage in some sort of behaviour or activity that is the opposite of how we are feeling. If you’re feeling up to the challenge, try a little experiment. Next time… Next time you are AFRAID, do whatever it is that you’re afraid of, with gusto (and within reason, of course). Next time you feel ASHAMED, continue doing the thing that makes you feel ashamed over and over again… and in public. You might be imagining that if you do this you [...]

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Will I Be Pretty?

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00March 26th, 2012|General|

When is enough, enough? After watching this YouTube video that was sent to me I became overwhelmed with emotion as I thought about how many women and girls in our culture have become obsessed with our physical appearance. Literally. I mean obsessed. At first I thought, “Yeah, speak it loud and clear sister! Looks shouldn’t matter at all! And as women we need to stop thinking about, caring about, or worrying about what we look like! Who even cares!” Well, after coming down from this emotional high and thinking about it a little further I’d [...]

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Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00March 18th, 2012|General|

Because we were created as social beings, when we do things that make others feel good, we can’t help but feel good ourselves. In continuing with the conversation about gratitude I found in my research on happiness a neat little gratitude exercise. The exercise involves writing a gratitude letter. Pretty self explanatory. In detail though, it entails expressing our appreciation in concrete terms to someone who has been kind, thoughtful, or helpful to us in one way or another. It could be your mother, father, an old friend, a new friend, a teacher, a coach, [...]

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Becoming a Natural

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00March 11th, 2012|General|

Further to the conversation on increasing happiness in our lives, research suggests that one of the things that people with high levels of happiness do is remember to be intentionally grateful. Gratitude has been shown to be a very powerful antidote to sadness, frustration, depression, anxiety, and envy. By choosing to focus on and be grateful for what we do have we become much less likely to focus on or be worried about what we don’t. Now I’m not trying to be trite and recommend in the midst of despair that we should just stuff [...]

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If Only…

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00February 27th, 2012|General|

According to research, the life circumstances in which we find ourselves; meaning that whether we live in a mansion or a trailer, on the sunny southern west coast or the bitterly cold prairies, our degree of beauty or plainness, our fitness level or body mass index, or whether we are married or single makes up only about 10% of our sense of well-being and happiness. In theory, then, this means that we can spend the better part of our adult life scrimping, saving, and stressing over every dime spent in order to one day afford [...]

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A Little Bit Louder Now.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00February 20th, 2012|General|

Yesterday morning while on my way into the church I typically attend on Sunday mornings there stood a small gathering of protestors. Now perhaps I’ve become a bit of a jaded city girl after several years of being asked for my money, my time, or my interest by all kinds of people I pass on the street because I didn’t even look twice at this small gathering of people nor did I notice just what they were protesting. It wasn’t until the pastor brought it up during the service that I was informed that they [...]

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Leave It To The Pros.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00February 13th, 2012|General|

When we were children I think it’s safe to say that most of us pretended to be, or wished we were superheroes some of the time… or maybe all of the time. It was fun! Fun to run around the backyard donning a flowing cape (aka floral pillowcase) and a pair of underwear over our stretchy pants (aka long underwear)… fun to speak with authority in a booming voice over our younger siblings, cabbage patch dolls, or G.I. Joes. Fun to take on the world and save the innocent from crime, injustice, and bad guys. [...]

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Where to Pointe.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:01-07:00February 6th, 2012|General|

Often times when we feel angry toward another it is because they are not meeting our expectations in some way shape or form. Many of us are really well versed in the finger pointing name game and are brilliant users of the word “you”. You did this, or you did that, or you are to blame, or you are being mean, ungrateful, hurtful, etcetera, etcetera. The tougher part to bring to light in all of this is that there would be no you if there wasn’t also first an I. I am hurt, angry, frustrated, [...]

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Straight Forward.

By Julia Kristina|2017-05-21T16:06:02-07:00January 30th, 2012|General|

There seems to be a bit of a misconception with some of us that in order to be a “good” or “strong” person we must not react to upsetting interactions with others, be it friends, family members, roommates, coworkers etc. The whole idea of turning the other cheek - meaning that if someone slaps you across the face you are to turn and present the other cheek for them to continue their assault - doesn’t sit well or really actually make that much sense to me. If the alternative is to smack them back, then [...]

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