I think because I make it a pretty major priority to eat relatively healthy and get a decent amount of sleep, I tend not to get sick very often. BUT when I do, and when it’s bad, let me tell you, it is a whole lot of no fun. I hate feeling awful – funny I say that because I’m wondering if anyone actually does enjoy feeling awful?? Anyway, as awful as it is to feel awful, without fail whenever I feel this way I find myself thinking: “Oh boy I can’t wait to feel [...]
As difficult as it may be to wrap our minds around, most situations, circumstance, and experiences we encounter in life are pretty much neutral in nature, and cease only to be based on the meaning, value, and perspective with which we chose to interpret them. Now I’m sure we’ve all had some well meaning person tell us to just look on the bright side and as most of know, this is not usually so helpful – especially when we’re right smack in the middle of an emotional upheaval. Sometimes in life things suck. And that’s [...]
This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity of giving a Presentation to my colleagues at the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy’s (CCPA) Annual National Conference in Calgary. I feel so blessed to have had such a warm, engaging, and responsive group of men and women to present to even though we were all pretty packed into that conference room. Thank you also to those participants who came and shared their thoughts, questions, and personal stories with me after the presentation – I really valued these opportunities to learn from you and grow with you. It [...]
What am I angry about? What is the problem? And whose problem is it? How can I figure out who is responsible for what? When I’m angry, what do I need to say to clearly communicate my stance without becoming defensive or aggressive? As women, many of us have been taught to be ashamed of our anger and have thus not learned how to use it effectively or to our benefit. Many of us have pretty unproductive ways of expressing our anger, the common culprits being passive aggression, the silent treatment, or crumbling under a [...]
Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is not, nor is it a sign of, weakness. If we think about it, most of us would agree that it takes a whole lot of courage to be vulnerable, so it could be said that courage and weakness are actually near opposites. Being vulnerable is a risk. It means being exposed and being honest, and the outcome is often uncertain. However, vulnerability is the birthplace of change. It’s really hard to explore ourselves and experience growth within ourselves and within our relationships with others if we’re not willing to [...]
Further to last week’s discussion, I’ve been learning more about that which seems to be contributing to the current state of our overly anxious society: and that is our ability (or lack thereof) to tolerate frustration. What I mean is, some things, sometimes, are not within our control, and we often aren’t able to manage every little detail, and things don’t always go exactly our way. Many of us have learned to lose our patience when things do not go as planned and thus often experience some greater or lesser (but often greater) degree of [...]
But what if Julia? What if??? I hear that a lot. In fact, I sometimes find myself saying that a lot. Does it seem like as a culture we have become a lot more anxious as individuals in the last decade or two? I don’t have any concrete stats or studies handy right now, but I have heard that we, in general, experience a higher degree of anxiety than generations before. I equate some of this to the paradox of choice: meaning that now, more than ever before, we have SO many choices in almost [...]
Have you ever noticed that the more stuff people have, the more locks, gates, security systems, passwords, and other protection devices they have as well? Most of us are already aware that there is a direct link between materialism and depression for many reasons. One of these reasons being that generally the more we have, the more the more we are responsible for protecting that which we have, leading to more stress, more time spent managing our possessions, and less time for the things that really matter. Because we live in the West, relatively speaking, [...]
How much is enough? Here I’m talking about Money. Do we secretly believe that once we finally have that certain amount we will no doubt become the happy people we’ve always wanted to be? Whether conscious or not, many of us think that once I have just a little more I will be happy. But the sobering part in all of this is that the just right amount isn’t actually achievable. So what does all this mean? Surely if I make or acquire X amount of dollars a year/month/day I will be satisfied and I [...]
Believe it or not we can often actually change our emotions by choosing to engage in some sort of behaviour or activity that is the opposite of how we are feeling. If you’re feeling up to the challenge, try a little experiment. Next time… Next time you are AFRAID, do whatever it is that you’re afraid of, with gusto (and within reason, of course). Next time you feel ASHAMED, continue doing the thing that makes you feel ashamed over and over again… and in public. You might be imagining that if you do this you [...]
When is enough, enough? After watching this YouTube video that was sent to me I became overwhelmed with emotion as I thought about how many women and girls in our culture have become obsessed with our physical appearance. Literally. I mean obsessed. At first I thought, “Yeah, speak it loud and clear sister! Looks shouldn’t matter at all! And as women we need to stop thinking about, caring about, or worrying about what we look like! Who even cares!” Well, after coming down from this emotional high and thinking about it a little further I’d [...]
Because we were created as social beings, when we do things that make others feel good, we can’t help but feel good ourselves. In continuing with the conversation about gratitude I found in my research on happiness a neat little gratitude exercise. The exercise involves writing a gratitude letter. Pretty self explanatory. In detail though, it entails expressing our appreciation in concrete terms to someone who has been kind, thoughtful, or helpful to us in one way or another. It could be your mother, father, an old friend, a new friend, a teacher, a coach, [...]
Further to the conversation on increasing happiness in our lives, research suggests that one of the things that people with high levels of happiness do is remember to be intentionally grateful. Gratitude has been shown to be a very powerful antidote to sadness, frustration, depression, anxiety, and envy. By choosing to focus on and be grateful for what we do have we become much less likely to focus on or be worried about what we don’t. Now I’m not trying to be trite and recommend in the midst of despair that we should just stuff [...]
According to research, the life circumstances in which we find ourselves; meaning that whether we live in a mansion or a trailer, on the sunny southern west coast or the bitterly cold prairies, our degree of beauty or plainness, our fitness level or body mass index, or whether we are married or single makes up only about 10% of our sense of well-being and happiness. In theory, then, this means that we can spend the better part of our adult life scrimping, saving, and stressing over every dime spent in order to one day afford [...]
Yesterday morning while on my way into the church I typically attend on Sunday mornings there stood a small gathering of protestors. Now perhaps I’ve become a bit of a jaded city girl after several years of being asked for my money, my time, or my interest by all kinds of people I pass on the street because I didn’t even look twice at this small gathering of people nor did I notice just what they were protesting. It wasn’t until the pastor brought it up during the service that I was informed that they [...]
When we were children I think it’s safe to say that most of us pretended to be, or wished we were superheroes some of the time… or maybe all of the time. It was fun! Fun to run around the backyard donning a flowing cape (aka floral pillowcase) and a pair of underwear over our stretchy pants (aka long underwear)… fun to speak with authority in a booming voice over our younger siblings, cabbage patch dolls, or G.I. Joes. Fun to take on the world and save the innocent from crime, injustice, and bad guys. [...]
Often times when we feel angry toward another it is because they are not meeting our expectations in some way shape or form. Many of us are really well versed in the finger pointing name game and are brilliant users of the word “you”. You did this, or you did that, or you are to blame, or you are being mean, ungrateful, hurtful, etcetera, etcetera. The tougher part to bring to light in all of this is that there would be no you if there wasn’t also first an I. I am hurt, angry, frustrated, [...]
There seems to be a bit of a misconception with some of us that in order to be a “good” or “strong” person we must not react to upsetting interactions with others, be it friends, family members, roommates, coworkers etc. The whole idea of turning the other cheek - meaning that if someone slaps you across the face you are to turn and present the other cheek for them to continue their assault - doesn’t sit well or really actually make that much sense to me. If the alternative is to smack them back, then [...]
I was all set with what I was going to blog about this week and then, just a moment ago, that all got flipped on its side after watching a short, yet powerful YouTube Video. I don’t often click on too, too many links that people post on Twitter, Linked In, and other such sites, but for some reason today I did. As an aside, do you ever hapt upon by seeming fluke or accident things in life that enrich and enliven you, and then wonder what you might have missed had you not done [...]
Further to last weeks post let’s talk about mistake making. I’m not certain, but I’m pretty sure none of us like to make mistakes. It usually feels pretty awful and often for so many different reasons. More often than not the consequence is letting someone else down or letting ourselves down. Many of us have a hard time facing ourselves when we err – the guilt, the shame, the remorse, the frustration. Now I’m not saying that one is to skip away in merry delight after doing or saying something regrettable, but beating ourselves up [...]
Recently, I had the opportunity to get a taste of my own medicine. Now I say it was an opportunity because I see any and all occasions where one experiences insight, learning, and then subsequent growth as valuable. In my work as a counsellor my clients and I often talk about what’s not working for them and then do some exploration around that. This often brings them to some meaningful self-understanding and insight. From there we go on to identify the parts that are working, what has worked in the past, or what might work – since we’ve [...]
Here’s my take on New Years Resolutions. If you’ve been reading my blog regularly you can probably guess my opinion about this time of year’s most popular topic of conversation… Not a fan. Not because I think replacing bad habits with good ones is a terrible idea, but because of the way we tend to go about making our newly resolved metamorphoses. In essence, making grandiose and dramatic changes in a short amount of time is rarely effective… at least when it comes to long term sustainability. Believe it or not, human beings are extremely [...]
Today I developed a new appreciation for bus drivers. Perhaps it was because during my short 15 minute bus commute to work I saw my bus driver be the direct receiver of other people’s stress and frustration 3 times. Just a guy, doing his job, and doing it well – and all the while being blamed, targeted, held responsible, and insulted for literally doing nothing wrong. I don’t know about you, but I sure couldn’t do that job. All this to say I imagine bus drivers and other individuals in those types of customer service [...]
Tis the season to be a little (read: A LOT) more stressed than usual (and for many of us, yes, many lovely emotions do come with the Christmas Season package as well). I read an article recently about stress management and although all of it was really useful, there was one section that stood out for me. It was Stress Management Strategy Number 1: Avoid Unnecessary Stress. A note before we begin: not all stress can (or should) be avoided – many situations DO need to be actively and responsibly addressed. However, there are, in [...]
Continuing with the goal setting discussion, it might not quite cut it to just have goals – to just throw them out there willy nilly and hope they get done. Having some sort of goal design format will make the goal achievement much more likely. One of my favourites is the SMART goal. SMART is a handy little acronym for the 5 characteristics of well planned goals. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-Oriented. Let’s look at this a little more thoroughly. Specific: The goal is clear and unambiguous. What are you going [...]
I seem to remember that a couple of years ago the idea of goal setting was all the rage. And now, I don’t really hear people talk about goal setting too too much. Maybe it was just a fad that was all wrapped up with ‘The Secret’ hype…. Remember that film that everyone talked about a few years ago claiming that if you want something just think about it a lot, focus on it constantly, and it will magically happen? I imagine many became disheartened by the paucity of grandiose dreams coming into fruition with [...]
Compare yourself to others. Judge yourself. Judge others. Think and evaluate in absolutes. Make every misfortune or mistake a catastrophe. Worry about problems you don’t have. Refuse to face reality and instead live in fantasy. Say and think bad things about yourself. Think that you are an awful, unlovable person if you make a mistake. Believe you are worthless unless you are perfect.
The trouble with always hiding, suppressing, and dismissing one’s feelings is that they become much like disgruntled employees in preparation for a rebellion. In one way or another, their voices will be heard. Let’s say you’re the boss and had a bunch of employees working for you. If you chose to work as a dominating micro-manager forcing all of your workers into submission and punishing them at any sign of potency, it will not be long before your team becomes less and less productive as their will is squelched from all of the harsh treatment [...]
Is this really what I want to be doing or saying? Am I willing to deal with and face the consequences? If I do or say this will things turn out well for me or the ones I love? These are VERY good questions to ask when putting oneself in a potentially detrimental, destructive, or compromising situation. So the goal is to play it out to the end. Let's say I am in recovery from my alcohol problem. BUT I am craving a drink. "If I have that drink it will taste and feel good"… And [...]
And this time, it’s true - At least according to Carl Jung (one of the grandfathers of modern psychotherapy). His theory suggests that we project the disowned (read: unappealing) aspects of ourselves onto others. Jung referred to this as our shadow archetype... don't worry I'm not going to go all psycho babble on you now. Basically, though, what he said is that the unfavourable qualities we react negatively to in others are really just our own issues that we do not identify with or recognize, but possess nonetheless. In other words: The things that bother, [...]