Here's the Bad Good News: For better or worse and no matter who's listening, what we say about ourselves is how we think about ourselves - or at least it will inevitably become so. ... stay tuned for next week's post where I'll to share a recent and potent example of this from my clinical practice.
Because we are bombarded with so many contradictory messages from society all the time many of us sometimes (or often) have an hard time feeling good about ourselves. We are told time and time again that in order to be a good person we must be equal and superior to others; generous and frugal; spontaneous and organized; assertive and easygoing… and the list goes on. It doesn't take long for it to become clear that no matter what we chose to do, we can't do it all and we can't be perfect, thus we’ll inevitably [...]
1. Think about what others have that you don't 2. Criticize yourself in whatever you do 3. Criticize others in whatever they do 4. Call yourself down for any and every mistake you make... or have ever made. 5. Worry about things that are out of your control 6. Make yourself anxious about problems you don't have 7. Think others will reject and shun you if you ever do anything wrong 8. Believe you are worthless and insignificant unless you are perfect 9. Tell yourself that "no" means everyone is against you
So I’ve recently had it put right there in my face, and it took me more time than it should have to see it happen. There it was: one of the quickest and easiest ways to instantly boost our mood. I was in session with a client recently who was obviously feeling quite low. Right away I asked her what was going on and she said she wasn’t sure, and so we spent the next little while talking about why she may have been feeling how she was feeling. We weren’t having much luck and [...]
I’m sure most of you know this already, but apparently our brains are plastic. From what I understand, this means that you actually can teach an old dog new tricks. I’m not a neuroscientist, so you’ll bare with me if I explain this in a simplified, and not too terribly precise way. All through our lives the things we experience, encounter, and respond to create neural pathways in our brains. Many of these pathways are formed in childhood based on the world around us and how we were taught to experience, encounter, and respond to [...]
The difference between guilt and shame is as simple as “I did something bad” versus “I am something bad.” Now here’s the interesting part: those individuals who have a sense of worthiness, of love, and of belonging, versus those who are always wondering if they’re good enough, are not those who have things like beauty, social status, wealth, rank in corporate hierarchy, or are living in the most beautiful cities in the world, in fact, what separates those who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it [...]
The other day I was at a weekend training workshop for Complex Integration of Multiple Brain Systems or more simply put, CIMBS, and I had an interesting interaction with another counsellor that had nothing to do with the training we were doing. At this workshop we were provided with a lunch and this lunch consisted of soup and sandwiches – but not just any sandwiches, they were these little gourmet mini sandwiches and they were delightful. Anyway, shortly after lunch, when we were back in session, someone on the catering team came in and took [...]
A small but very important multipurpose tool from my toolbox which I find extraordinarily useful to use with my clients, as well as with myself, is remembering to keep our Emotional Reasoning in check. Emotional Reasoning is a cognitive distortion that many of us employ quite regularly – sometimes without even knowing it. It’s the inaccurate belief that how we feel is how things really are, without question. If I feel stupid, I must be stupid. If I feel angry, I must be crazy and out of control. If I feel like I never do [...]
Here’s a little more on assertiveness. Like I said, I’m a big fan of this one. Learning to be assertive is probably one of the most useful communication tools I can think of. It can strengthen our relationships, reduce stress from conflict or having to “suck it up”, and it generally just makes one a happier person. Part of being assertive is learning how to say no. For many of us, no is basically a four letter word, and we try to avoid it at all cost by employing elaborately worded maybe’s or a yes [...]
I talk a lot about assertiveness, because, let’s be honest, I’m a big fan, and unfortunately, many of us don’t put it to its good use as often as we could! In a nut shell, assertiveness is our ability to express our thoughts and feelings and assert our rights while also acknowledging and respecting the rights of others. It’s about being appropriately open, honest, and clear about where WE are at. People often confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness, which is when we express our feelings, preferences, and needs in a way that is disrespectful, inappropriate, critical, [...]
Lately I’ve become quite fascinated with anger. I find myself reading and re-reading any and all information that comes across my path on the topic. I haven’t been intentionally seeking out literature or information on anger… not just yet anyway, but am finding the more I learn the more I want to know. Anger is one of those funny emotions. Not really funny ‘ha ha’, but more ‘ha, that’s curious, what’s this all about?.’ Many of us fear anger. For women, most of us were taught as children that good girls don’t show, let along [...]
Many of us believe that our worth depends on our behaviour… ‘The more I do, accomplish, achieve, the more worthwhile, valuable, significant I am.’ That sometimes bugger of an internal voice is relentless in telling us that in order for me to be of any value I must do something worthwhile and important. I know you might not buy it for a second, but if you’ll humour me, the truth is that our value is found in the clear fact that we are conscious, and we can see, and we can experience. We are sophisticated, [...]
So further to last week’s perhaps somewhat unsanitary discussion, dealing with a shouldy mess can often be as straightforward as changing the words we chose to express our thoughts and feelings. This might sound too ridiculously simple to be true, but to that I say perhaps not, seeing as we interpret, process, and then respond to pretty much everything in the world based on the specific word choices we use, either aloud or in our heads. Ah the philosophy of language…. And there’s my undergraduate minor leaking through… Anyway, we do have a few of [...]
It might not be immediately obvious, but we are all guilty of shoulding on ourselves and others… some of us more so than we might want to admit. There are 3 types of shoulds that most of us regularly employ that really aren’t doing us much good. Should #1 – Shoulding on the Self: “I SHOULD do well at everything and be approved of, liked, and admired by everyone or else I am no good and do not deserve to be happy.” This demand on the self results in anxiety, depression, and often allowing others [...]
Self deprecation and humility – there is a difference. I don’t know if it’s a Canadian thing or what, but I think many of us fear appearing egotistical, prideful, or cocky to such an extent that we overcompensate too much toward the other end and become almost self-deprecating. It’s often relatively subtle – an “oh it’s not that good” here, an “I kind of messed it up” there, a “You should see how good so and so does it”… but any and all put downs we give ourselves do still chip away at the soul [...]
Over the past couple weeks we’ve been talking about perspective and how using empowering language and looking at our choices in a positive way can make us happier. Have I mentioned my disdain for the word should? I’ve been going through the list of 15 things we can do to increase our happiness, and as promised, here are the final 5: THE LAST 5 THINGS WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO TO INCREASE OUR HAPPINESS (in this series anyway) 11. CHOOSE TO USE YOUR COURAGE (cf: Give Up on Your Fears) We can choose to be [...]
Last week we started to talk about perspective and looking at ways to increase our happiness through positive and empowering choices. The focus was on what we can choose to do. But only if we want. This week I promised to go through the next 5. SO without further ado… THE NEXT 5 THINGS WE CAN CHOOSE TO DO TO INCREASE OUR HAPPINESS 6. TAKE OPPORTUNITIES TO EXPRESS GRATITUDE (Original: Give Up on Complaining): We all have things we can be grateful for, like certain people and situations in our lives, or other things that are good or decent or [...]
A little while ago a good friend forwarded me an article she received by email from another friend that was intended to be helpful and encouraging, but instead made her feel miserable and overwhelmed. The title of the article was ‘15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy,’ I hate to be critical, but I had to side with my friend here… even before I opened up the article and read what was written, I had begun to form my bias based on the title. First off, the Should. I don’t like Shoulds, and [...]
No one is going to pay you to do what you love. Well, I guess another way to say this, is once you start getting paid to do what you love, you will likely stop loving it quite as much. As humans, we have two motivational forces: intrinsic and extrinsic, in other words internal and external motivating factors. Usually, the things we do that make us most genuinely happy and the things that we do because they make us most genuinely happy. This is what is referred to as intrinsic motivation: the things we do [...]
I find it so interesting, and perhaps even somewhat amusing how different topics seem to come into my life in thematic form. What I mean is; I sometimes find I will hap upon information or situations that fall in line with a certain theme-of-the-day, week, or month. This week the theme seems to be Rejection so I have decided I must be meant to write about it. I began reading an article last night about rejection which talked about how rejection can not only deeply impact the psyche but also suggested that some types of [...]
I think because I make it a pretty major priority to eat relatively healthy and get a decent amount of sleep, I tend not to get sick very often. BUT when I do, and when it’s bad, let me tell you, it is a whole lot of no fun. I hate feeling awful – funny I say that because I’m wondering if anyone actually does enjoy feeling awful?? Anyway, as awful as it is to feel awful, without fail whenever I feel this way I find myself thinking: “Oh boy I can’t wait to feel [...]
As difficult as it may be to wrap our minds around, most situations, circumstance, and experiences we encounter in life are pretty much neutral in nature, and cease only to be based on the meaning, value, and perspective with which we chose to interpret them. Now I’m sure we’ve all had some well meaning person tell us to just look on the bright side and as most of know, this is not usually so helpful – especially when we’re right smack in the middle of an emotional upheaval. Sometimes in life things suck. And that’s [...]
This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity of giving a Presentation to my colleagues at the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy’s (CCPA) Annual National Conference in Calgary. I feel so blessed to have had such a warm, engaging, and responsive group of men and women to present to even though we were all pretty packed into that conference room. Thank you also to those participants who came and shared their thoughts, questions, and personal stories with me after the presentation – I really valued these opportunities to learn from you and grow with you. It [...]
What am I angry about? What is the problem? And whose problem is it? How can I figure out who is responsible for what? When I’m angry, what do I need to say to clearly communicate my stance without becoming defensive or aggressive? As women, many of us have been taught to be ashamed of our anger and have thus not learned how to use it effectively or to our benefit. Many of us have pretty unproductive ways of expressing our anger, the common culprits being passive aggression, the silent treatment, or crumbling under a [...]
Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is not, nor is it a sign of, weakness. If we think about it, most of us would agree that it takes a whole lot of courage to be vulnerable, so it could be said that courage and weakness are actually near opposites. Being vulnerable is a risk. It means being exposed and being honest, and the outcome is often uncertain. However, vulnerability is the birthplace of change. It’s really hard to explore ourselves and experience growth within ourselves and within our relationships with others if we’re not willing to [...]
Further to last week’s discussion, I’ve been learning more about that which seems to be contributing to the current state of our overly anxious society: and that is our ability (or lack thereof) to tolerate frustration. What I mean is, some things, sometimes, are not within our control, and we often aren’t able to manage every little detail, and things don’t always go exactly our way. Many of us have learned to lose our patience when things do not go as planned and thus often experience some greater or lesser (but often greater) degree of [...]
But what if Julia? What if??? I hear that a lot. In fact, I sometimes find myself saying that a lot. Does it seem like as a culture we have become a lot more anxious as individuals in the last decade or two? I don’t have any concrete stats or studies handy right now, but I have heard that we, in general, experience a higher degree of anxiety than generations before. I equate some of this to the paradox of choice: meaning that now, more than ever before, we have SO many choices in almost [...]
Have you ever noticed that the more stuff people have, the more locks, gates, security systems, passwords, and other protection devices they have as well? Most of us are already aware that there is a direct link between materialism and depression for many reasons. One of these reasons being that generally the more we have, the more the more we are responsible for protecting that which we have, leading to more stress, more time spent managing our possessions, and less time for the things that really matter. Because we live in the West, relatively speaking, [...]
How much is enough? Here I’m talking about Money. Do we secretly believe that once we finally have that certain amount we will no doubt become the happy people we’ve always wanted to be? Whether conscious or not, many of us think that once I have just a little more I will be happy. But the sobering part in all of this is that the just right amount isn’t actually achievable. So what does all this mean? Surely if I make or acquire X amount of dollars a year/month/day I will be satisfied and I [...]
Believe it or not we can often actually change our emotions by choosing to engage in some sort of behaviour or activity that is the opposite of how we are feeling. If you’re feeling up to the challenge, try a little experiment. Next time… Next time you are AFRAID, do whatever it is that you’re afraid of, with gusto (and within reason, of course). Next time you feel ASHAMED, continue doing the thing that makes you feel ashamed over and over again… and in public. You might be imagining that if you do this you [...]